I do not typically make good decisions when I’m sad.
In fact, I can look at all the monumentally bad decisions (also read as: bad boyfriends) I’ve made in my life and, yep, I was sad when I was making them.
Here’s a fun list of things I like to do when I’m sad
- Eat too much
- Eat not enough, and then eat too much
- Eat foods that I know make me feel terrible
- Eat in secret, and lie about it, even though no one asked
- Cultivate relationships with people that make me feel bad about my life
- Miss relationships with the people that make me feel bad about my life
- Facebook stalk people I used to get on with to feel bad about my life
- Agonise over mistakes I made in relationships
- Agonise over everything
- Avoid exercising
- Avoid creating anything
- Avoid tidying, cleaning, cooking
- Avoid anything that might make me feel better
- Watch TV until I’m bored, and then watch some more
- Basically, practicing self-destruvtive habits, masquerading as self-care
- As you can see, it comes in waves, rolling and unrelenting
- And then I feel ok
For a second
- And then feeling ok makes me feel like I shouldn’t feel ok at all and then it spirals out of control until, terrible decisions making me feel worse and worse, bad feelings and bad thoughts dancing across my brainwaves, swirling and pirouetting, so light and delicate I can barely feel them
until I don’t know what usually happens, I’m not that self-aware. If I was, maybe I wouldn’t have these issues eh.
I am aware enough to know that I make decisions that make me feel worse. It’s taken me over a decade to realise this, but I’m finally there – I choose to feel worse when I feel bad, a lot of the time.
Perhaps a part of it is that I don’t really know how to be happy in a sustainable way. I am a gal of extremes, and really struggle to do things by halves, including feeling happy. All or nothing is kinda my personal brand, you know.
I think another part of it is, I don’t know if I deserve to feel happy a lot of the time. Saying this aloud feels ridiculous! Of course I deserve to be happy. I’ve heard that everyone deserves to be happy, but I don’t really believe that. Bad people, I think, don’t deserve to be happy. Boris Johnson or Donald Trump or Jeff Bezos, they don’t deserve to be happy. They’re responsible, either directly or indirectly, for the suffering and pain of thousands of people. These men do not deserve to be happy, as they prevent so many others from feeling it. These are bad people. And I can so easily feel like a bad person.
Remembering that I am, in fact, a pretty fucking alright person who mostly tries pretty hard to not be a dickhead, is really difficult for me. And it usually takes something or someone external to remind me of that. Which I am working on.
Today’s reminder came from turning on the radio* to the start of one of my FAVE songs**. And I decided that I was going to make the rest of the day not a sad one. Which is massively easier said than done. So, I’m going to actively try to do things that make me feel good – writing, taking a really good bath, reading a book – and avoid doing things that I know are bad for me – eating too much, binge watching TV, endless scrolling on my phone in bed.
I’m going to try because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have a good week, and not regret how I spent my Sunday afternoon. Because future me deserves to profit off the efforts of present me, and not be reeling still from her bad decisions.
I do not typically make good decisions when I’m sad. So I’m going to try and decide to not be sad, today.
Hope you’re feeling better than I am, wherever you are x
**Mozart Clarinet Concerto in A – Rondo. Don’t let anyone tell you I’m not rock and roll.